It all happened gradually…
One skipped girl’s night out.
Deciding that a shower wasn’t really necessary because I was just going to be at home with my newborn anyway.
Being at a loss when asked, “What’s your favorite color?”
Like a Rubik’s cube, I adjusted my life around my kids one tiny decision at a time until an unrecognizable pattern remained. Their needs, when pitted against my own, won without question. Just as sourdough starter needs to be fed multiple times a day, the small sacrifices that were eating away at my sense of self were the same choices fattening my confidence in mothering. This is what ‘good mothers’ do; a process not just specific to motherhood but I would argue that we are experts of the craft.
I’m referring to basslining which stands for ‘Becoming A Stranger Slowly’.
Basslining is the act of slowly undermining your identity through small, continual comprises over time.
melissa k lowe
B.A.S.S. – the base or foundation of your core identity that represents not only who you are but what you value. Your ‘bass’ notes will change as you age and mature but time should be carved out to appreciate your needs, truths and priorities.
LINE – the mathematical definition of a line, according to Oxford dictionary, is a straight or curved continuous extent of length without breadth. In this case, the focus is on a sequence or chain of events that happen over time away from the original starting point. It’s a gradual departure from one’s self over months, years and sometimes decades.
Basslining is the summation of what happens to you when you continually say yes when you want to say no, hide your own needs and ignore your inner wisdom. It is the methodical chipping away at your relationship with yourself to the point where we don’t recognize who’s looking back at you in the mirror. The result is that you ultimately become a stranger to the person who should love you the most: YOU. And with that comes it’s own downstream symptoms.
Think about this: You’re looking in your closet, full of clothes you once loved but haven’t worn in a long time. You pick the same boring outfit you always wear. When did you stop wearing clothes that make you feel good?
Or maybe you’re at a dinner with friends, listening to a talk about something you used to love, but now you can’t think of anything to say. When did you stop sharing your thoughts?
These are small signs of basslining. The little changes that didn’t seem important at the time have added up, making you feel lost from who you really are.
But don’t worry, it’s not too late to find yourself again. The first step is to notice what’s happening. Seeing basslining is like turning on a light in a dark room – suddenly, you can see what’s been going on.
Take a moment to think if this is something you’ve been doing, even without knowing it. When was the last time you did something just for you? Can you remember the last time you spoke up for what you wanted?
“We have two lives, and the second begins
Confucius
when you realize you only have one.”
So, I ask you: What are you going to do with yours?
